i have most definitely not blogged in over a month, so i suppose i’m about due. i don’t have much to say though except

i want this! buy it for me?
thanks

(ps… i am going to spoil it for you RIGHT NOW and tell you leela and fry get together at the end of the movie. yes, i’m a fucker.)

1. …i sure do like photobooths. the real kind—with the real black and white film, like the old one from seaside that i’m fairly certain doesn’t exist anymore, and that breaks my heart. i want to travel the US and get a photobooth picture taken in every state. preferably the kind with real film, unless i’m in a huge pinch.

2. i would really like to see more of california. specifically, the los angeles area… i’m interested in a job there and i want to see if i like it.

3. visit seattle. despite all the times i’ve visited, i’ve never been to the space needle. i also want to go to the penny arcade expo up there every year that i can.

4. i really, really want to go to comic con in san diego. i also really, really want to go dressed up as comic-book phoenix. yes, i am a nerd. i know this.

5. i think in the next three years, i fully see myself immersed in the design world. i hope i am—it’s where i think i want to be. i can’t think in numbers and retail the rest of my life, and i would really like a salaried position. if i could pick anything, i’d love an in-house design job, not a job at a design firm. i see myself fitting in a little better in a job that is more… stable.

6. see japan. see a lot of japan. that is another place that has always made me curious. i love the culture and i love the things that come out of japan, especially video games. plus, as a designer, i think i would fit in pretty well there…

7. i would like to live in a house. i don’t need to own it, i just want to live in one. i’m sick of having neighbors so close and i want a place that finally feels like home. apartments just don’t cut it—not even my 2-story condo.

8. pay off my credit card debt. i think it’s pretty do-able. i need to do as much of that as possible before i graduate.

9. i’m pretty certain i want a half sleeve on my right arm. it’s something i’ve been fixated on for a while. i just need to get up the guts to do it. it’s not the pain that i’m worried about; i can handle that. it’s the permanence… a tattoo that big and obvious is going to take a lot of planning…

10. be happy.

the end.

LET ME UPLOAD MY CUSTOM HEADER, WORDPRESS!

edit: ok, wordpress you win. comcast was the problem all along…

ronda and i made cookies last night…

ps: merry xmas!

if only is a phrase that has been going through my head for a while now.  it has a lot of meanings—some that i am not about to discuss online for others to see. however, i have found myself wishing for a lot of things lately. in order to save a lot of annoying reading, i feel it can be summed up easily in saying “if only i were happy.”

if only i was happy? that phrase has a deceiving meaning, for it’s not that i’m not happy. generally, i am. i’m reconnecting with old friends and have two really great close friends here in portland that have helped me through a lot. i still have a job, and a good one at that. i have a nice place to live, a nice family, a nice car, and i live in a nice city. yet, i still feel “if only i were happy” sums up my feeling nicely.

i think, after much debate with myself, what i want is more excitement. i still feel unsatisfied at the end of the day. the people are what i am truely grateful for—my family and my friends are great, and i love them. without them, i would feel lost. having my job is a nice bonus, and the fact that i have so little college left is nifty as well. my point is that it’s not my surroundings that are the problem: i am un-satisfied with myself.

i feel like i can be better. i could be a better designer. i could be less lazy. i could be more attractive. i could feel healthier. i could focus on men that would be good for me. i could be better at my job. yet i do none of this, and why not? because it’s so much easier not to. it’s so much easier to do things half-assed and get away with it; unfortunately, this causes me to really only be mediocre.

my new years resolution is to be better—to be happy.

i am trying to be grateful for things instead of being such a pessimist. as such, i created a list. here it is…

• my close friends (you know who you are)
• uno on xbox live
• fridays
• snow
• my job
• my cat
• heating
• 100 calorie bags of popcorn
• alcohol
• my computer
• my family
• my car (and the fact it can drive in snow)
• the gym
• the fact that my bed is comfortable
• thermals
• big-ass slippers
• 42
• and lastly…. the fact that amanda is coming home.

yeah, i said it.